Friday, March 5, 2010

Yes

People keep asking me how I'm doing. And I appreciate that. I appreciate the concern and the care. I just don't know what to say. I'm all right -- I get out of bed every day and I get showered and dressed in clean clothes. I go to work and I actually accomplish things -- I do my job. I've been doing better at making dinners. I'm eating. Sleeping isn't great, but that's not news.

The thing I can tell you about the pain of losing a parent is the acute sense of grief does ease with time. It gets to the point where you can acknowledge out loud, even to people you hardly know, that your mom passed away, and that, yes, your dad died a few years ago. But the fundamental hole in your heart does not go away, and it's another level of depth, of sadness, once you're an orphan.

Even there, I know I have been fortunate. I know people who lost both their parents when they were much, much younger than I am -- people for whom "orphan" was really true in a more fundamental way.

So here I am. I get through the days and sometimes I smile and Dean makes me laugh pretty regularly. Just figuring out what comes next, and how I get there.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to catch up on all the things I've let slip. I started falling behind in December, to be honest, and am not quite out of that hole yet. I'm trying also to clean up and clean out stuff in the house.

Can you blame me, really, for culling a bunch of scraps to make this jacket? Do you dare me, actually, to wear it out in public?

Yes, we still have that much snow. No, it's not too cold today -- about 40 degrees f. Yes, I'm smiling. (Photography by Dean)

5 comments:

KristenMary said...

That jacket is actually pretty cute! It looks very snuggly. My thoughts are with you this spring. This was a touching post.

Lesley said...

So glad to see you smiling.

Ahem ... perhaps you could find the world's biggest toddler to give that jacket to?

Linda said...

Jennifer as I try to catch up on some blogs I feel so sad coming across your last few posts. Please forgive my slackness in not being in touch and therefore not realising your mum has passed away. I am so sorry. I am not sure what to say, except maybe that your jacket is pretty adorable!!

Garnered Stitches said...

If you go out wearing the jacket you'll be inundated with orders in various sizes!

One of the major points of losing your last surviving parent is the realisation that you have moved up in the generation ladder. No one knows when their time is up but with natural progression we expect to have our place segmented between our parents and our children. To find ones self now at the top brings with it it's own grief. Give Dean a big hug knowing the future is out there.
best wishes

Julie said...

Such a nice ending to the post to see your pretty smile.

Thank you for letting us know how you're holding up.

Your jacket looks to me like a little comfort with the bright, cheery colors and kiddish designs---comforting elements I would imagine, and I do dare you to wear it out-and-about and encourage you to do so!