Thursday, March 27, 2008

I get up, I get down*

I discovered a blog that is apparently, in its entirety, a photo of what the blogger has for breakfast pretty much every day. The photos are striking, and she has what appears to be a very strong following. (45 comments on her post inviting others to share their breakfasts. 45.) I'm not saying that I think an all-breakfast blog is a bad thing. To be honest, she inspired me to jot some ideas for the next trip to the grocery store and to make myself some grits this morning (photo taken before the hard-boiled egg, still left over from Easter, went on top). What has me unable to stop thinking about an all-breakfast blog is how many people are checking in to see what she's having. I don't know what to make of that.
Aside from breakfasts, I'm thinking a lot this week about why my energy swings are so vast, so complete, and what I can do to gain a more even keel. I resent the roller-coaster sense of my life -- for me, energy level and mood go hand-in-hand (is that universal?). I'm either walking around thinking about how incredibly lucky I am and what a terrific life I have and working away on my various projects, or I'm brooding about what the point of it all is and how I'm going to find the will to keep going as I sit starting vacantly into space. In the middle of these extremes is the no-man's land where I've been uncharacteristically just letting things pile up. Packages that need to be sent, letters a year (!) overdue, dust accumulating like -- really -- you just wouldn't believe. My own life, for me, is about control; my sense of balance and purpose and contentment comes from feeling that I'm in control. (Incidentally, I do not need to feel control over other people, no matter what Ken may try to tell you.)

Ultimately I'm so bothered because I don't understand the source of my unbalance, of the swings. The outside variables (daily life) don't change much, if at all. Just my reactions and my energy levels change. Oddly, the little card from my project is still sitting in my car because I wasn't able to deliver it as intended. Sometimes it's a snap to put one on a driver's side door, just above the handle, on the window right between the window and rubber gasket, but sometimes the gasket is so rigid and tight that it can't be done. So when this card couldn't be slipped onto someone else's car, I stuck it in the note holder in my car. And it makes me feel better when I see it there. I really do want to be happy.
Not knowing where else to turn with my troubles, I leave you with another source of no small joy. I spent the last few birthday gift dollars that I had on some rubber stamps from this place. I seriously cut back last year on the amount of stuff I bought and have been doing pretty well this year, too. I think the deprivation makes me appreciate things more when I do indulge. I can't decide if that's good or pathetic. See?!? Mood swings.

* Down at the end, round by the corner.
Close to the edge, just by a river.
Seasons will pass you by.
I get up, I get down.
Close to the Edge / Yes


Quilt Pixie said...

not saying this is it, but when you have no energy have you reflected on how you're breathing? I had about 3 years of intermittent very low energy before my asthma was diagnosed. I've found that often when I'm so very tired, for no apparent reason, Its because I've been struggling to breath deeply and well...

Natalie said...

Jennifer you just wrote the unspoken half of my last post. I know, really, really know what you mean and how you feel and I wanted to say it too... right down to staring vacantly into space. What is the point of it all? I can think of one point of your post: You found the words to reach my heart and soul and assure me that I am not alone... it may not be a cure, but it is a very needed life line. It seems that neither of us can muster 45 people to check on our blogs, but you have my devotion and gratitude for your honest and heartfelt post. Thank you.

calamitykim said...

Natalie said it! I feel the same way- I get so upset by the news, the war, the family problems, I want to crawl under the bed and not come out! That's why I escape into my art- its the only thing that totally makes me happy. except for Fred and Troy- when I get to see them. I don't eat breakfast except on the weekends so I guess I wouldn't have much to say at all would I? I don't know what to think about that either. quirky. I won't complain about spending hours writing or taking pictures to have blog fodder. nope. not another word.
I like your stamps, btw, and I went to check the link- they have some nice art doll faces. Thank you!
I am very glad you invited me to come see the princess boots. I really am going to get a nice pair of wellies someday. In the meanwhile I bought a new (to me) quilt book- Kaffe Fassett's quilt road and am in love with the quilts by Janet Bolton. Very Folk Art. Very simple, straightforward. I mailed the shawl today. I am terrified she won't like it. That's kinda crazy right?
Your monkey and apron are on the guest room bed, waiting, along side a pile o'chicken stuff. Kinda funny if it weren't so pitiful. Don't even think about feeling bad for not posting an over due letter- I have major overdue problems! Can you believe that I return my library books on time? someday, when you least expect it, there will be the box, covered with monkeys! I am going to go read chicken Blog and then I'm going to go watch atonement. Fred is still at work. I took him dinner. he had a crisis. anyway. have a nice evening and the next time you feel blue just picture all three of us sitting on a park bench together, staring out into space...

Raesha D said...

I hear you....I'm about ready to go back on my happy pills but I feel like I don't even have any time to get to the doctor. This past year has just plain sucked. Most of it is caused by my job but with Hubby in school, my options are very limited until he is done. But - I love the stamps - especially the two big journaling ones.

Natalie said...

Hey, when did you slip in that snazzy new banner? It looks like a Conference for Animated Power Characters. let's give them a mission statement!

Jess said...

Oh, one more thing:

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in

-L. Cohen

Laura Jane said...

Aaaww Jen I hear you.

Lack of startability and procrastination and putting off and feeling like you achieve nothing....yep.

This is the place to be and to express it, and those stamps will help too. Work through it, or don't... just sit and rest. You probably need it.

It worked for me late last year...feeling much more even keeled now, just a phase...

Big hugs

Felicia said...

Hormones? Physiology? What ever is causing your mood swings I'm sending positive thoughts you way :)